A series of small failures

I blame it all on the Mormons
November 5, 2008, 3:30 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I cried when i heard that Barack Obama won the election tonight. What an amazing victory! He represents hope and change. That joy didn’t last long, however. When I heard that the Yes on 8 campaign appeared to be winning in California, my blood started to boil.

If not for the Mormon church and its campaign of hatred, California’s proposition 8 — which would take away the right of men to marry men, and women to marry women — wouldn’t even be on the ballot. And without the millions of dollars they guilted and coerced their members to donate, the proposition would not have passed. I blame it all on the Mormons.

Look at the database that sfgate.com published:  http://www.sfgate.com/webdb/prop8.  Just do a little searching, and look at all the money that came from out of state. Alan Ashton, a Mormon, one of the founders of WordPerfect (with its humble roots in Orem, Utah), donated $1 million just days before the election. $1 million!!!  To be fair, his co-founder, Bruce Bastian (who is gay), donated $1,010,000 for the opposition.)  All this for a ballot initiative affecting a state in which neither of them even lives.

It seems like lifetimes ago, but I used to be Mormon. My mother converted to “the church,” as they call it, when i was only seven. My father, a devout Catholic (despite being excommunicated when his first marriage was annulled), opposed her conversion. As a child, he had some sort of religious experience that left him in awe of the pageantry and the symbolism of Catholicism. When he saw that Book of Mormon the missionaries had given her sitting on her nightstand (way back in 1968), he was rightly threatened, first by her interest, and then by her eventual conversion. Somehow, some 40 years later, they are still married, despite this major incompatibility. She is a true believer, and he isn’t.

I suspect that my father’s opposition to the church made me want to be part of it even more. It was forbidden! It was odd. And exotic. I longed to go to church with my mother. It was mysterious, secret, and possibly wonderful.

I think what happened is that when my dad was faced with having to babysit us on Sundays while my mom went to church, he finally relented. My brothers and I were then introduced to the weirdness–the strange “hymns” (‘Jesus Wants Me For a Sunbeam, to shine for him each day!’ was one of the children’s songs we had to sing), and the doctrine, which I have to admit made me feel special. We had The Truth. We had The Secret to Life, and the blueprint to return to Heavenly Father (God) after death. Again, I was only seven. Mormons believe that when you reach the age of eight, you are accountable. Eight is when you’re smart enough to know what’s right and wrong.

I’ve thought about this a lot over the years. I adored my mother. She was beautiful. She was my teacher. She taught me how to eat with a spoon, to drink from a cup, to walk, to talk, and even to wipe my own ass. When she told me about God and Jesus and Joseph Smith, who was I to question or doubt? I was only seven years old. 

After a few years, when my youngest brother was about to turn eight (the age of accountability, and thus the age at which you can be baptized), my father finally relented. He interviewed each of us to make sure we knew what we were committing to. By this time, I was eleven. I wanted to get dunked (baptism by immersion to wash away your sins).

I stayed with it all until until college (BYU, of course–was there any other option?). I even spent 18 months as a Mormon missionary.  Funny — the “prophet” called me to go on a mission to Sao Paolo, Brazil, so I was sent to the missionary training center (MTC) in Provo, Utah, to study Portuguese. Two months later, when my Brazilian visa still hadn’t arrived, they sent me to San Diego to wait — and of course proselytize. After three months in San Diego, teaching in English (translating the rote lessons we had learned in the MTC from Portuguese to English), they decided to re-route me to Uruguay. I never thought to wonder why the prophet got my calling wrong. Never mind that I’d spent five full months studying how to convert people to Mormonism in Portuguese. When my group finally got to Montevideo, they gave us two weeks to learn the missionary lessons (complete with handy flip charts) in Spanish. My poor brain was tripped up trying to translate the lessons from Portuguese, to English, and then to Spanish.  I was so confused. After just two weeks of Spanish training, they sent us out “into the field,” as they call it. Two months later, they made me a senior companion, and gave me a “greenie” — a brand new missionary, who happened to be the niece of Gordon Hinckley, a man who eventually became the prophet. She knew even less Spanish than I did. We were so lost. Still, I eventually converted 35 people. (Cringe.)

The reason I went on a mission gets to the heart of my failure to marry–I had a boyfriend in high school who I introduced to the church. He wanted to marry me. I thought I loved him, but wasn’t really sure.  I was worried I was too young, that I didn’t really know what love was — so I fasted and prayed about it, which is what you’re supposed to do get an answer from God. But I didn’t get an answer. Absolute silence.

So I fasted some more, and went to the rooftop of my dormitory (Deseret Towers, which has since been leveled–nice touch). I prostrated myself on the roof, under the stars, and begged God to tell me what I was supposed to do.

Still, nothing.  

I took that ‘nothing’ as a ‘no.’  So I turned my boyfriend down.  He then did what good mormon boys are supposed to do — he went on a mission. While proselytizing somewhere in ohio, he died. I know it wasn’t my fault, but I felt responsible. What made it worse was that I had I convinced myself that we were going to get back together when he got home from his mission. We were writing love letters. This all seemed part of the eternal plan–he was supposed to go on a mission — all good mormon boys do. Marrying someone who wasn’t a returned missionary meant you were somehow defective, or unworthy. 

The only way I knew how to deal with my grief was to sublimate it. I decided to finish his mission for him. (Can you see the brainwashing?)  So I became a missionary too.

Being a missionary was a very convenient way of not having to deal with my grief. Being a missionary was all about serving others. I wasn’t supposed to really exist — I was just a vessel through which the Lord worked. I was supposed to find the worthy people who were ready to hear the gospel.  I started to have doubts, though. One of my converts was a black woman who had been living with a man for years. They had four children together. Backstory — I got my numbers up by shrewdly cherry-picking people in situations like this. He had been baptized, but was “inactive.” If I could convince her to get baptized, and she stayed faithful for a year (and he got re-activated, duh), they could all be sealed together in the temple as an eternal family — which is the ultimate goal of all mormons. Families are Forever(tm). Plus, her baptism, and the baptism of their four children — bingo!  Five baptisms! Very impressive on the weekly reports.

This woman (I wish I could remember her name) was intrigued.  Our lessons were all about the happy proposition of being in the True Church, and obeying the commandments so that she and her entire family could get back to God eventually.  But there was a snag — she wanted to know why the Mormon church had discriminated against black members until the 1970s. White men could hold the priesthood (the power to perform rituals like baptisms), but black men were only granted that right in 1978, well after the civil rights movement. Why?

I told her I didn’t know why, but I would find out. So I searched the scriptures. I looked in the Book of Mormon. What  dug up was not pretty. The Book of Mormon talks about righteous people having white skin, and sinners having dark skin. When the dark-skinned evil people repented, their skin turned white.  How was that supposed to help me explain things to her?  Digging, researching, and investigating is not a good idea if you’re a mormon. You tend to find out things that don’t make sense. All I could come up with was that either God was racist, or that Joseph Smith (who supposedly translated the Book of Mormon from the mysterious golden plates, which the angel Moroni had given him, and then conveniently took away) was a racist. Why did it take until June of 1978 for God to tell his prophet that all worthy men (of course, only men) could have the priesthood? We’re talking ten years after the civil rights movement! Not finding anything helpful, I used the basic argument on her — that there were things we didn’t know, but that they would be revealed to us eventually, if we were worthy. We had to have faith. It worked for her, and she was baptized.

My dad once told me that he had never fallen for that proposition. He knew that the minute you asked if the church was true, or prayed about it, that meant you really wanted to know that it was. So he never did pray about it, or ask God, even though my brothers and my mom have been at him for decades. And he has never succumbed. He is still a proud excommunicated Catholic. (Love you, dad.) 

When I got home from my mission, I got a high-profile calling. I got to teach the Gospel Doctrine class in Sunday school in my BYU ward! This meant that I was annointed, spiritual, chosen. The lesson books handed out to all teachers come from church headquarters. Every Gospel Doctrine teacher is supposed to teach the same lesson, on the same subject, on the same day. You follow the manual. Period. Being the budding intellectual, starting to learn to think for myself, I wanted to add to my lessons; I wanted to supplement the simplicity with profound tidbits I found on my own. So I’d start with the planned lesson and do a little research. And week by week, I researched myself out of that calling. After a couple of months I resigned.

I tried to stay under the radar for the next 18 months — until I could finish my course work and graduate. I moved every semester, trying to keep them from discovering that I was an apostate. If discovered, I would be expelled. Not exactly what the college experience is supposed to be. 

So many times, I’ve wished that I “came out.” I have a good friend who was expelled a few weeks before graduation. Her roommates turned her in to the Standards Office because she was sleeping with her boyfriend. By that time, I was also sleeping with my boyfriend. I no longer lived the Word of Wisdom (OMG, I actually DRANK.) And I certainly didn’t believe that the president of the church was the prophet of God.  I cowardly hid out to keep my status and finally get my BA. 

After I graduated, I went to work for a local company, Novell, so that I could be near my boyfriend. (I still had that hope that I would get married!)  Still, I didn’t have the courage to tell them that I no longer believed in the church.

Year after year, when seeing their impressive membership numbers — seven million members! eight million members! nine million members! the fastest growing religion in America! — I cringed, but didn’t have the courage to stand up and say that I was no longer One Of Them.

Today, I wrote my letter of resignation.  I’m sending it to the membership office of the church, telling them that I am no longer One Of Them. They have to take me off their rolls. I can’t stomach being counted as One Of Them. I despise what they have done in Hawaii, in California, in Arizona, in Florida… They are actively working to strip gay people of their rights. They want to define marriage as a union that can only take place between a man and a woman. There’s so much to say about the idiocy of that definition. What it means for families and children in those families who don’t meet their restrictive definition. I’m sure I’ll say it later.

I spent much of the ’90s as a lesbian, in committed relationships with women. It doesn’t matter that I’m now in love with a man. I support the rights of gay couples to define their relationships in the traditional sense, if they so choose. I despise what the Mormon church has done to restrict the definition of a family. Love should be celebrated where it is found, whether it’s between a man and a woman, or a woman and a woman, or a man and a man. Period. My dad says I need to get over my anger toward the Mormon church. I wish I could. Maybe if they some day become inclusive, and stop hating, I will get over my anger. Maybe.


19 Comments so far
Leave a comment

What a moving story. Perhaps a movie should be made of your experiences!
Or perhaps you might want to move on with your life and leave the Mormons alone. The only hatred I see is yours for a religion that has moral standards. This is not a civil rights issue and guess what white homosexuals can blend into the crowd anytime they wish, they just have to change their behavior. African Americns excuse me do have real prejudice to deal with in their lives and your whining that you cannot force people to adhere to your bankrupt principles which history and science has proven wrong is plain hypocrisy. I would think Mormons are not the issue, the issue is that you want to force your lifestyle upon families and their children with issues that should stay in the bedroom. Try going to the Halloween party in SF and you will see gay sex at its best. Mormons it seems to be have a moral standard that is in accordance with the Bible which plainly has no room for this type of behavior. Please leave Christians alone to practice their religion and don’t impose your false fascist beliefs upon those who have a sincerely faith and belief in the Lord Jesus Christ. Christians do not hate the sinner just the sin. The only hatred I see is the gay movement forcing society to adhere to their goose stepping agenda.

Comment by Mighty88

WOW, what an ignorant response to such a beautiful post. Your decision must have been long and difficult, and I wish you the best. I grew up in the Unitarian Universalist church, which luckily, lets you believe whatever the hell you want. 🙂 Theological debate with social responsibility. That’s all religion should ever be about, anyway. I feel very fortunate to have a family who chose to break away from organized religion long before, so that I never had to! I have always maintained that God loves everyone equally, regardless of orientation, race, background… and I believe that time is on our side. The gay rights movement is the civil rights movement of our time, and 50 years from now, some of these people will be ashamed for the things they dare say today.



Comment by Alicia l'Américaine

thanks alicia. you really are lucky to have that kind of understanding in your family. I totally agree with you. the gay rights movement is the civil rights movement of our time. There is no other disenfranchised group left. This is the last battleground. I really believe that when people have problems with gay marriage, at the core, they really have problems with homosexuality. why is gay marriage wrong? because being gay is wrong…. at least, that’s what they think. they may deny it. but it is homophobia at the core.

xo jodi

Comment by jodimardesich

I found your page because it was linked to on salon.com (congrats). Like you, I am an ex-Mormon. Unlike you, both my parents were Mormon from the time I was born. I was baptized at 8 (foolishly) and given the Aaronic priesthood at 12. To this day, I cannot figure out why I accepted the priesthood because long before then (although after getting baptized) that I did not believe in the church. I think it was simply to fit in because there really is no place in the children’s program for boys over 12 that do not get the priesthood.

My mother became inactive in the church when I was an early teenager. It caused a massive rift in the family that ultimately led to my parents getting divorced when I was 17. My brother and two sisters also became inactive in the church. My father remarried with a new Mormon wife within six months of the divorce finalizing. He’s moved away from the rest of the family and has committed his life to the church.

When I had to move to Texas due to a job relocation, I didn’t really think much of the fact that I saw two Mormon missionaries walking through my neighborhood the day I moved to town. I introduced myself as an long-inactive member and requested to be left alone. I was until the new missionaries came in to replace them. I went to the local church (I discovered to my horror that it was literally a 1-minute drive from my house) and demanded that I be removed from the church records as a member of the church.

Like you, I sent a letter firmly stating my request to leave the church. I immediately received a letter back from the bishop regarding the “sobering” experience that my conversation was with him and explaining the consequences of my actions. Approximately 30 days later, I received another letter stating that I was officially no longer a member of the church.

While my immediate reason for leaving the church was different from your own, I share many of your sentiments towards the of the church. My father is a huge believer in the “there are things we don’t know, but they will be revealed to us eventually, if we were worthy” argument. I personally believe that many of the church’s core beliefs (strong family, avoid addictive substances, do the right thing) are solid and a good way to live. However, I feel much like I believe that you do, that the “straight and narrow path” is not nearly so straight and narrow as the church would have you believe it is. One can live a perfectly righteous and good life, while being a homosexual who drinks and smokes and has a committed partner in a non-married healthy sexual relationship. I only pick those because they are things that the Mormon church considers wrong – not because I feel that they are wrong.

I am a huge believer in equal rights for the LGBT community. It is absolutely a civil rights issue. Discrimination based on sexual preference is no less wrong than discrimination based on race, age, gender, religion, skin color, physical ability, or anything else you can think of. I am personally not gay, but I do have friends who are gay. They are good, fun, wonderful people. The type of people that make you feel good to be around. The type of people who don’t pass judgment. The type of people who don’t deserve to be discriminated against. It pains me to know that the members of the religion I grew up in spent great sums of money to maintain injustice. Money that my father paid in tithing probably went towards this cause. It’s sickening.

You’d think that in a country like America we’d strive to continue to improve civil liberties and promote equality for its people. Isn’t that what we demand of the countries we illegally invade, execute their leaders and throw into civil war? I guess if we can’t manage to do it at home …

Comment by John

I suspect there are many other “not presently active” Mormons who no longer believe but have not taken the trouble or out of fear have not left the church. Here is a website that discusses among other things, how to remove or resign from the church: http://www.exmormon.org/

A lawyer on the website suggests resigning from the church not asking for one’s name to be removed. This gives you control over your relationship with the church and not them. Here’s what he suggests the letter to your bishop should say.

“This is my formal letter of resignation from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I hereby terminate my consent to be treated as a member of said church and I withdraw my consent to submit to the church’s beliefs and ecclesiastical disciplinary procedures. You must now treat me as a FORMER member in all your dealings with me.”


Comment by Garry


Thanks so much for sharing your story. (Thanks also for leaving that vitriolic, irrational comment from “Mighty88” up, for not protecting us from the unbelievable things people not only believe but are willing to say. People need to see that that hate is really out there.)

Have you thought about going to graduate school in writing? There are some great nonfiction programs out there, and it sounds like you have a lot of really important, timely true stories to share.

Thanks again.

Comment by Maggie

are you a member of the FLAK group?
Further light and Knowledge. You will find kindred spirits there.

Comment by aposateatnoon

Catholics voted for Proposition 8. So did African Americans.Latinos too.Evangelical Christians did as well. Yet the Gay Rights faction has decided it is a Mormon sickness ruining society. Slight technicality here; let me explain it in no uncertain terms. History is a record of the failure of humanity.EVERY culture that embraced alternative lifestyle traits soon collapsed into disintegration. Another factor the Alternative Lifestyle movement seems to gloss over is EVERY state of America that attempted to have referendum votes initiated on Alternative Lifestyle Marriage issues has lost. Trust me; how can a worldwide movement of 13 million members “control” the consciousness of those Americans who voted against such referendums? America has over 200 MILLION residents! Simple. There are MANY outside the fold of Mormondom who still adhere to the teaching that marriage is a heterosexual oriented process in a myriad of spiritual/religious tenets.

Comment by TONCE


After 52 years as a native Californian I recently moved. I loved California, its scenery, and its quirkiness. Being 52 though I knew that the majority of voters in California had voted against equal rights for blacks decades ago because that’s what the scared majority wanted.

Still, I was proud of California because it was on the forefront in being open to ideas, innovations, a diversity of people, and was freer than most states. In grade school we ranked close to the top in education. We catapulted the economic boom of the U.S. after WWII with our aerospace/defense industries, agriculture, and superb universities. We tended to rely on science and facts to guide our policy making and less on religious fears, although we welcomed diverse religious freedom and freedom from religion.

I partook of many volunteer activities starting as a child, from planting seeds on a bikeway, raising funds for public television, walking/running to help alleviate poverty and diseases, volunteering for a suicide prevention hotline, to being an active Boy Scout.

While trying to be the “ideal” kid, there was a dark secret I guarded. I realized around 5th grade that I was gay. Even though I did not choose this anymore than anyone chooses to be straight I hid my secret well.
Against this backdrop were religious extremists who while they meant well in their own minds were literally killing me with their proselytizing, saying that people like me would burn in hell and were inferior. I felt shame to such a degree that later I almost committed suicide by jumping off a dormitory in Davis.

Others kept saying, “If only homosexuals would settle down and not be promiscuous, and be more like us, we would give them respect and equal rights.

Later fundamentalists would say, “We support equal rights for homosexuals, but not “Special Privileges” for homosexuals”, in their neverending campaigns against gay equality.

Jumping ahead, we now have loving gay couples who are not promiscuous, who want to lead normal, supportive family lives, yet again the religious extremists have displayed their disingenuous words.

Our Constitution is traditionally there to support equal rights, not discard them. The Republican California Supreme Court ruled that granting marriage, a civil, not religious contract only to heterosexuals amounts to special privileges for heterosexuals in California.

Often I have heard conservatives say, “I think everyone should be treated equally and have equal opportunities and that’s why I’m opposed to affirmative action.” And we have all heard the line, “Same sex marriage threatens the sanctity of marriage!” If these people were truly authentic in that belief, their Proposition would have banned divorce, as NOTHING threatens the sanctity of marriage more than the big “D”!

I am sad that I was unable to vote against inequality. The California I knew in its day strived to welcome progress, compassion, and equality. The California I knew had Governor Reagan speak out strongly against the religious extremists who tried to ban gays as schoolteachers!

While I may have physically deserted California I pray that those of you there and in other states facing this civil rights issue will open your hearts and minds and help save the life of that little boy or girl out there who hear you say whether they are a worthwhile human being deserving what you take for granted, the right to love and marry. I support equal rights for all; not special privileges for heterosexuals. That is why I march.

Paul A. Harris
Eureka Springs, AR 72632


Sacramento born, and former Davis and San Diego resident, Harris retired after working for 25 years at UC Davis and UC San Diego. He currently lives in Eureka Springs, Arkansasand recently wrote a book, Diary From the Dome, about his experiences trapped in the Superdome during Hurricane Katrina.

Comment by Paul Harris

Tonce, may be, you might enjoy reading some anthropology. I am not quite sure what you mean by alternative life styles but if you study how humanity actually lives then you will notice that the meaning of family varies widely across time and space.

Homosexuality happens to be an enduring feature of the human condition. It has always been with us because it is a natural phenomenon. Did you know that we have observed homosexuality all over the animal kingdom?

There are homosexual insects, reptiles, birds, and mammals including all the primate species.

Homosexuality happens to be a natural phenomenon.

Comment by Hellmut

Jodi, I very much enjoyed reading your story. Thanks for taking responsibility.
I also grew up in a part member family. My mother converted when I was six. My father was an alcoholic who could be vitriolic.
We had a great youth program, which I enjoyed very much, but my full time mission was a testimony crushing experience. The numbers game was just too much for my conscience. I did not want to treat people that way and did not like being treated as a number myself. It took me sixteen or seventeen years to figure out what had happened to me but church has been an agony since my missionary days.
Congratulations to your Salon publication. I would love to know how never-Mos relate to your experience. If there was an opportunity, I would listen to their responses all day long.
I hope that things will work out for you. May be, we will run into each other some day. Mormon dissident circles are pretty small after all.

Comment by Hellmut

Thanks for sharing your story. It was a very interesting read! Sorry for the nasty comments. Some people are very threatened by the idea of other people getting to live by their own beliefs. I really am not sure why.

Good for you for having those nasty character flaws like doing your own research, thinking for yourself, supporting rights for all and asking questions. Blind acceptance is a scary, sad thing.

Comment by Alicia

If there is a God, the things we believe that don’t end up being true will be irrelevant. If there is no God, good on ya for believing whatever you want… Life sure is easier and convenient if you just believe what you want to believe.

Thanks for the interesting post. That is all.

Comment by Mitch

I fell upon your blog through a friend of mine. I grew up in Happy Valley, Utah as a member of the church. When I was 20, I began to question the church, as I think anyone should do. (I think anyone should question anything and everything in their life.) I am not a very active member of the church, but after a lot of soul searching, I believe the basic principles of the gospel. So, I guess you could still call me a mormon.

I think a lot of what you get out of the church comes from your attitude. You noted such experiences in your life as praying to God to know if you should marry this young man and when you didn’t get a divine answer, you took it to mean no. Am I right to think that you blame the LDS church for not marrying this man? Or you insinuate that the Church is not true, because you started to learn a language that you did not use on your mission?

I think with regards to the LDS church, both believers and haters take it to extremes. Some members of the church are very judgemental and try to make you feel like you are not good enough, but you will find that in any religion. Some haters expect miracles and perfection from the church or it must not be true.

As a member of the church, I must say I support gay marriage. And I have never once felt like a “bad” member of the church for supporting it. I have never had any one of my LDS family members or LDS friends tell me what a bad person I was for supporting it. As a libertarian, I believe that anyone should be able to live as they please and do what they wish as long as they are not harming anyone or their belongings by doing it.

I think that sometimes people have a hard time distinguishing people in the Church from the Church itself. Meaning, people in the Church are just that: people. They are not perfect. But if the reason you don’t believe in the church is because you don’t believe their gospel and doctrine, then I think that is great that you are now living the life you believe. For some people, the LDS religion fits with their beliefs and for some people it does not.

Sorry to be so long-winded, I am just fascinated by people that feel such anger and hatred toward anything in life. I would love to hear anything you have to say in reply (whether mean or nice 🙂 ), either through email or as a comment on this site.

Comment by A mormon

hi there. thanks for your comments. if you’re happy with the church, be happy with it. i’m happy for you too. and honestly, i don’t feel anger. Perhaps bemusement, but not anger. I’m over it. you can do what you want and what you believe. what angers me is all the power the church has over people who don’t think for themselves. if you are thinking for yourself, fine. yay. i’m happy for you.

Comment by jodimardesich

i understand why your upset but i have to tell you it was not the church it was the people of the church. which is different we are taught to love everyone but some people get it in their minds its there duty to do what they thing they must. our leaders of the church would not advise us how to vote and we didn’t put any church money torwards this. it was members own money not the churchs. i hope you understand.

Comment by mindi

i don’t understand. i don’t think it’s possible to count the number of dollars that were funneled in because people *thought* they were being asked to donate by the church leaders. and yes, the church did put money toward it.
this is a pretty interesting link:

and this:

look at the whole thing. and tell me it’s the members, not the church.

Comment by jodimardesich

You know, it’s sort of funny. Many people who leave the church, can’t leave it alone. You appear to be one of them. It must be tearing people like you apart inside to have to hammer the church over everything it does. If I hated something so bad I’d just want to be over it and not have to deal with it any longer. I feel bad for you that you have to drag this around with you instead of letting it go.

Comment by Jack

Hi Jack. Since I resigned from the church last November, I have not looked back. I’m happy. I’m not torn apart inside. Nor do I hammer the church over everything it does. I don’t hate it. Thanks for the concern. xo Jodi

Comment by jodimardesich

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