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After several weeks of total freedom, I’m about to share the house with my parents again. They’re returning from an extended trip to California, where I grew up, and where my dad lived all his life until they moved here in the 1990s. Since they left California, I think they’ve probably actually spent more time there, but now they’re about to spend The Whole Winter here. No more wild orgies, I guess.
yay, back to them opening the basement door and shouting stuff down to me. “Jode! Do you want to *^#&@…..” I can’t really hear them, so eventually I have to walk upstairs so that our sound waves can actually reach each other without distortion. We should get some walkie talkies. If I don’t show up for hours, they will actually walk down and make sure i’m still alive. seriously. “I hadn’t heard from you in a while….” Yeah, maybe because I’m a) working b) napping c) too depressed to get out of bed. But don’t worry, I’m not suicidal. Things aren’t that bad.
Last night I dreamt that someone very close to me died. Someone I haven’t spoken to in a while, since the story. Time to talk to him today and try to clear the air. Death is a symbol of the complete rift we’re going through. I truly hope it’s not literal.
And one more thing: I fully acknowledge that my post on karma sounded brainwashed. I’m not trading one restrictive belief system for another. Really. I’m just thinking… and trying on, i guess. One thing Dharma said, which his guru told him long ago, is to look at what your teacher does, and mimic that. That’s how you learn. If I’m depressed and feeling lost, and I meet someone who glows, whose radiance is so attractive and I feel like I want that for myself, I’ll give it a try. Chanting, pranayama, intense practices for purification. It’s sure as hell better than feeling stuck and depressed.
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